Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Chris Wasinski: The Man, the Myth, the Whore

Instead of contacting each of you on a person by person basis (which would take a literally incalculable amount of time given the nature of my problem and the possibly infinite number of people effected), I've decided it's easier to just make the announcement here:

Recently it has come to my attention that I am, indeed, a whore. Somehow this had escaped the notice of my normally super-human powers of observation. How I have deluded myself up until now... I may never know. Most likely it can be attributed to all of the hardcore binge drinking I've been doing along with a steady diet of roofies and valium to numb the pain of not having even the shred of dignity required to ask payment for whoring services rendered. It is truly my greatest regret in life that I have turned out to be such a god damn, no good, low down, filthy, dirty whore... my status residing well below that of even the grodiest of street walkers, beneath the contempt of even the most desperate pimp.

Now, some of you may be saying to yourselves, "Now wait just a minute!" pausing briefly to fully take in the enormity of the revelation you are currently experiencing "Chris doesn't really seem like a truly despicible and disgusting example of human trash, when does he get up to all this whoring?" ... Well, my erudite reader and trusted facebook friend, I am glad you asked. The answer is really quite simple once you understand the special theory of relativity and how it pertains to the creation of "Whorularities" that is to say, a mass of whore so dense that it collapses upon itself and has the power to warp the very time and space it occupies. One day to a normal person actually seems like one thousand, thousand years to a whore like me due to the time dilation experienced in the vicinity of whores of my magnitude.

So it is with profound sorrow in my heart that I ask each and every one of you that has been affected by my indescribable whorocity (you see, it needs a new word to accurately describe the unprecedented levels being discussed here) to forgive my transgressions and to somehow find within yourselves the ability to look past the fact that I am such a huge slut and to see that I am, deep down, in the essence of my being, an obnoxiously staggeringly gargantuan slut. It is with my sincerest hope that, aided by the unparallelled magnanimity of my facebook friends, I will be able to free myself from the shackles of my whoritude, which bind my very soul to this unseemly fate, the trajectory of which you all have seen me hurtling along all these long years... too afraid to step in and speak up for fear that I would literally whore you to death for daring to suggest that I had a problem.

I am ready, friends! I have seen the error of my ways! Allow me to redeem myself in the radiant light of your forgiveness so that one day I may be capable of feeling, living, breathing, being... as a normal person once again!